I still don’t have the reason
And you don’t have the time
And it really makes me wonder
If I ever gave a f**k about you
Give me something to believe in
Cause I don’t believe in you
Anymore, Anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference to try
So this is …?
Maroon 5 - Makes Me Wonder
i tried not to cry last night, just like the other days. i forced my brain to think a lot of things that happened these days…to me n to the world surrounds me. the last time i cried on that pillow, i remember i had to reversed n used the other side of it. i felt my heart n brain were burnt. tears flowed down too much n as i tried to stop…it was really painful.
so last night, i wiped my tears off n contemplated…
i realized that i’ve been doing the same tiring things everyday. too many works, too many walks, too many whines…i’m over exhausted. everyday back home my watch tipped half past nine n most of the time can only sleep after midnight. things were repeating n i had to follow. monotonous killed me n u were supposed to support…
…so did this song, humming on my ears repeatedly. it was Band of Horses - The End’s Not Near. i remember i played this song on my laptop at ur house bcoz u asked me to bring new songs that i liked. so i did. but we were eating n i was hoping u can say smth about it…so u said u liked it. none more………just so u know, this song accompanied me everynight as i walked down the long cold-windy road of Dazhi after Shida. n i know u knew.
n there were many i wanted u to listen…but…i don’t know…
…
n today…things suddenly desolated. i did what i had to do. i could set aside the thoughts of u as this craze took off. the rest of it? i felt like i couldn’t breathe. i tried to participate in discussions as much as possible, ask many things as much as possible…just to avoid my mind to shut down itself n think about u. i tried to smile n laugh, stood n jump. i tried not to…breakdown n cry.
…n really, it’s true…u are the air that i breathe n i missed u from the bottom of my heart. i need u from the very morning till the very night. i want u more than anything…
=((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((
especially when u have a possesive boyfriend. especially when u love the man soooo much. especially when u xpect this huge plan between u n him can be realized ASAP.
Well, you are the one, the one that lies close to me
Whisper’s "Hello, I miss you quite terribly"
I fell in love, in love with you suddenly
Now there’s no place else I could be but here in your arms
Hellogoodbye - Here in Ur Arms
ytoday, i did a presentation about Indonesia in my Mandarin class. really…to learn zhongwen is very very interesting. but i hate the fact that xie zhongwen zi (to write Mandarin’s char) is such a pain in the ass…n also the tones, maaan…ajegileee…
tp yah…presentasi bginian, dgn suku kata yg amat sangat terbatas…bikin gw ngerasa kaya anak TK. syintyingnya, smtm i speak in 3 languages in 1 sentence hahah n everytime i do that i have to pay NT$10 to the laoshi. zhen qiguai, keshi…zhen youyisi!!
beberapa hr yg lalu, out of the blue, during my presentation preparation -yg dmn pd saat itu gw lg brusaha konsentrasi penuh utk mendalami bahan-, si Paco, temen sekelas gw dr Argentina tiba2 dateng utk menghapus impian gw utk mendapat nilai A n ngajak gw ngebahas ttg masalah Islam. i repeat : MASALAH Islam.
well, first thing on my mind : HEH PALE GUNDUL LOE KAGAK LIAT NEH GW LAGE APA HAH??? lalu, second thing : here we go again…talking about religion always been smth interesting for me. sesuatu yg membedakan mana yg benar dan mana yg salah tanpa melihat mana yg benar dan mana yg salah (get it?)…n another thing is i might have answers for all of his q’s about Islam, tp kenyataannya gw bukan Moslem yg sempurna jg gt…^_^"
jadi, kira2 dia blg gini, "u know b3a, it’s good to know that (you) as a Moslem, u have ur own perspective towards ur faith". awalnya gw bingung where this is going, tp trs dia cerita d negaranya ada seorang Bapak yg membunuh anak cwnya karena doi ga mo dinikahin sm co pilihan Bpk tersebut. "i mean, u know…she’s a human being, too, she has the right to choose." and then he started asking whether all Moslems are like this? tentu saja gw jawab tidak. bagi gw, hidup dnegara dengan angka populasi Moslem terbanyak di dunia, gw taw sebagian besar Moslem (paling tidak org2 yg gw taw) berpikiran sama dengan gw: bahwa Laillahaillallah Muhammadarrasullah, must do 5 important pillars in Islam, dan Qur’an sebagai pedoman hidup…lalu tidak kalah penting di antara itu semua adalah kepercayaan bahwa Islam adalah agama yg menjunjung tinggi justice (keadilan) dan peace (perdamaian…perdamaian…). ingat, nama Islam sendiripun artinya damai, bukan?
dia jg bilang, dia bingung kenapa -khususnya d Islam- perempuan selalu menjadi gender yg dnomor duakan. para istri harus nurut sama suami sementara sang suami melanglang buana. anak cowo lebih diutamakan dr perempuan. ini itu yg menurut dia injustice dan meremehkan perempuan. haah wahai temanku, utk satu ini dirimu harus taw : banyak negara di dunia ini dimana majoritas org2nya beragama non-Moslem tp pemikiran ttg ajaran Qur’an-nya jauh lebih peka n lebih masuk dr orang2 Moslem itu sendiri, yaitu org2 Moslem yg conservative, radical dan orthodox. g mo banyak ngomongin ttg ini ah, ntar rumah gw dbom sm teroris =D ampunnn…
sumpah d…gw mungkin emang feminist, tp klo dtanya : klo emang banyak perempuan menuntut equality, knp perempuan ga bs menjadi Imam?? ya karena we’r just not meant to be. sama aja kaya halnya knapa cowo ga bisa netein bayi (ga nyambug ya? ya maap gw lg g bs mikir boo hahahahahaha). tp gw percaya both gender have the rights to receive education (seperti yg Paco blg ttg gw dmn pd saat itu membuat gw kembang kempis), they have the right to choose their own future husband (seperti halnya gw yg ga sabaran mo nikah sama Tom Cruise tp Tom Cruisenya kena sihir sm si Homeless), dan gw percaya…banyaaaaakkkkkk hal dan fakta yg harus org2 conservative itu tau dan sadari : kami perempuan HEBAT. n they should (must actually) respect us, as we give birth to real men. 300 banget ahahahahaakks banci quotation…
lalu lalu…
several days after i had this conversation that ofcourse, altho was distracting my practice time, i still earned As =)))), i read an article in Wall Street Journal, April 4th edition (u can read here : http://www.opinionjournal.com/editorial/feature.html?id=110009890 as it’s not available in WSJ online if u don’t subsribe) which titled quite mengundang utk gw : The Trouble With Islam. it’s just sickening that it says "The inhumane teaching in Islamist ideology can transform a young, benevolent mind into that of a terrorist". padahal yg namanya teroris…secara practical dan theoritical…sama sekali ga nyambung sm ajaran Islam. nah skrg, salah org2 yg ga bener menginterpretasikan ajaran Qur’an dan Sunnah mengenai perang dan teroris, kan?? dan mereka itu ga lebih dr org2 yg hanya akan mencemarkan nama baik dan dasar ajaran agama Islam itu sendiri…
hummph…cape ah ngomongin agamaku satu ini =(( seperti yg gw bilang d atas : sesuatu yg membedakan mana yg benar dan mana yg salah tanpa melihat mana yg benar dan mana yg salah. org2nya, bukan agamanya. contohnya aja gw ini hihihi makanya jgn masukin di hati deh apa yg uda gw tulis dsn, jgn dengerin jg krn as i mentioned earlier, gw bukan Moslem yg sempurna (i always say i’m struggling to be one). makanya pas Paco muji2 ttg cara berpikir gw ttg agama, dalam hati rasanya miris n pgn berbisik k dia : eh gundul, jgn buat gw ga enak ati gt donk, gw sholat aja jarang… (maaf ya Allah…)
klo uda ngomongin gini gw pengen nangis, knp gw ga bisa sempurna dimata Allah?? gmn caranya berbuat justice, mencintai perdamaian dan menjunjung tinggi human rights tanpa melupakan beribadah kepadaMu??
…
well anyway…golongan gw ini termasuk apa yah? orang2 yg tersesat…bukan……atau bisa jadi orang2 yg bingung karena memilih menjadi Moslem liberal yg progressive pun gw mikir krn as i was saying : I’M STRUGGLING TO BE ONE PERFECT MOSLEM…atau…mungkin Moslem Refusenik?? atau…i should start my own religion…ahahahakss…sekali lagi maaf ya Allah =(( mau dikemanakan nasibku…
di bukunya yg berjudul "The World is Flat", Om Friedman menceritakan bagaimana dunia ini has become flat karena efek globalisasi. disitu dia menyebut outsourcing sebagai contoh: di saat OmOm brambut pirang sedang tidur dengan lelapnya, di belahan bumi yg berbeda, negara dan waktu yg berbeda, OmOm berkulit hitam bersuara nehi2 bs jd mengerjakan bahan presentasi OmOm brambut pirang td sehingga dsaat OmOm brambut pirang bangun dan mengecek emailnya, voilaa presentasi sudah dtangan, tinggal dprint dan dpresentasikan. tidak capek, letih maupun lesu.
nah…yg mo gw ceritain adalah ttg gw y boo. i would rather title myself as "The Womb is Fat" berhubung dlm mengerjakan presentasi gw ga bisa outsource ke negara OmOm berkulit hitam ato putih bahkan ijo…alhasil di siang maupun malam hari gw harus memperkerjakan diri gw sendiri demi hasil yg maksimal saat presentasi ntar. tp masalahnya, just what the title says…gara2 melek trs ni mata, ngemil d malam hr jd kebiasaan yg aujubileee enaknya tp keesokan paginya peyut jd sdkt abstrak…ttp indah, tp abstrak. hanya mata yg mengerti seni yg akhirnya bs mengapresiasikan betapa indahnya bentuk abstrak ituhh…aaahh ngomce opo seh gw ya boo…
udah ah…CAHHYOOO CAHHHYOOOOO* KUSUMO DEWOOOO**…
* cahyo baca: jiayou yg artinya semangat yg artinya ganbate yg artinya HEH BANGUN LOE TIDUR TRS DASAR KEBO!!
** kusumo dewo baca: ntah syapa dirimu maaf tlah kusebut2…
