nightmare

January 3rd, 2007 by b3akins

last night i -again- drank "LELAP" to help me sleep. n realy, it helped me. but then i dreamed, as i drank it i forgot i just drank this yibei duoduolucha (one cup of green tea yakult)…n i felt this burning feeling inside my stomach…n suddenly emerged this…urrh…bubble kind o thing on my body….urh…well hard to imagine eh?

n then i woke up n realized it was just a dream. me become a bubble girl? wthgtl.

at least today i got my normal sleeping hours back after only 1 1/2 hour of sleep yesterday due to the final report presentation for FA subject.

it was worth it tho…as i didn’t have to redo just like almost everyone did. she appreciated my effort, altho minus, "ask b3a if u guys have any problems…", n minus, "ntar waktu bwat Neznya berkurang donk klo banyak yg nanya k yang??", n minus…final week is coming…

cant wait for the f holiday.

ahya…R.I.P : James Brown, the God father of soul (glad watched u when u were here tho i was so sleepy humm)…and Saddam Husein, the God…uh..the hopefully-God-will-forgive-all-ur-sins-and-f-the-f-Bush-hopefully-God-will-destine-him-a-painful-dead-sentence-too.

earthquaccckkk

December 28th, 2006 by b3akins

friends been asking whether i was ok after the earthquake that struck Taiwan on the 26th. now maybe i should make an announcement for the haters :

1. i broke my legs, i couldn’t walk!
2. my left eye pulled out, now i’m wearing a pirate’s eye cover thingy
3. i lost my fingers, i couldn’t touch or write eversince
4. my backbones are broken. now they are smashed into pieces. i was standing infront of a cupboard when it happened which then fell off on top of me. so…u know…

well anyway, the bad news is, i’m still alive. no matter how bad the earthquake has damaged me, i’m still here to haunt u, ready to be hate! be happy! =P

ahahakss…no i was joking. everythings ok here. i even was chatting w my friends who said, "earthquake? no, i didn’t feel anything". sheesh…

later that day my friend said the earthquake has caused fiber optic cable that buried thru out HK, TW n so on n so fort that connects ASEAN w the world is broken…i couldn’t make a phone call to Spore, another friend in JP couldn’t make a phone call to JKT, n again ofcourse, i broke my legs, my eye, my fingers…blah blah…

to tell u the truth, i sorta like the way it moved. rrh…kinda funny i was panicked when it happened (the same how ppl in other country reacted when they heard the news) but when i looked down the street, nobody went out of their apartments, like it was n o t h i n g. u, see…N O T H I N G.

maybe i will get used to it later…hummph. f u earthquacckkk…

f f f f f f f f f f f f

December 25th, 2006 by b3akins

i feel like crying many times today…

n i did, actually…many times.

…this is weird, i’ve never cared so much about these things for the past 4 months…

but now…it’s like…everything’s turnt around…

i missed him. i miss him. sayaang…

hoahm

December 22nd, 2006 by b3akins

"u know sir, the richest person in Indonesia owns a cigarette company.."

"so u mean he becomes rich by killing ppl?"

n u know…Wikipedia reacted quickly about the Trump vs Rosie case. i did presentation about him not long time ago n use resources from Wikipedia. it was stated that Donald Trump was bankcrupt in the early 1990’s n Fred Trump’s inheritance helped him to recover. but when i re-check just now to that page, it says "it was the effect of recession".

so whatever…anyway…

the recession made him couldn’t pay the loans which then made him bankcrupt. so…he was bankcrupt, ok?

n Rosie also mentioned Donald Trump was having some affairs. urhh…i couldn’t remember where i read it but yes according to that source he was. During his marriage life with Ivana, he was having an affair with Marla Maples whom later he married to in 1993, after he divorced with Ivana in 1992.

hihi well at least he was being responsible. at least he wasn’t married to 2 women.

maybe Aa’Gym may lead Donald Trump (or whoever) to embrace Islam just bcoz our religion allows poligamy. well isn’t that the greatest thing of our religion, hey moslems???

i’m just couldn’t be grateful Nez wasn’t one of his (refers to Aa’Gym) santriwan altho he was forced so bad by his mom to join the Aa’Gym thingy (i forced him, too =P).

well, anyway…Popo just got her N73 while several weeks ago she just got an Ipod Video n its cute lil speaker. couldn’t care more, i got my lovely S3 IS which i haven’t touched thoroughly n 100g sata extHD n 53000NT miracle. what??

urrh…what am i doing here, stupid.

trust

March 27th, 2006 by b3akins

i have a problem regarding trust nowadays. it’s sooo hard after u had a huge certainty about something but then u’v failed to accomplished what have been expected…n not longer after that u’r expected to trust another thing. it feels weird n uneasy. gaining trust is never easy although it’s towards different things. as for myself, i tend to refuse doing so to avoid getting hurt again. that’s why maybe now i’m more egoistic, selfish, bad-temper, n those kinda things.

sebenernya yah…for some ppl, after they have their heart broken they refuse to start another relationship. but that is not applicable to me…gw cuma modal nekat n percaya better things do happen…huhu ofcourse to certain ppl yah.

uhmm ga taw de…mungkin emang salah gw kali yah? siapa suruh patah hati? siapa suruh sok yakin? siapa suruh akhirnya kudu kecewa? huhuhuhu…imbasnya skrg slalu k org yg ga salah…tp yah, walo gt jg gw seakan ga peduli. ga taw kenapa. gw cuman tau "gw ga mau tau". egois? banget. dan itu bagi gw sebuah perumpamaan Que Sera Sera…

whatever will be, will be. kesannya pasrah ya sm keadaan…tp gw uda pernah cukup berjuang demi sesuatu n ga taw knp skrg jd merasa lelah utk berbuat hal yg sama. padahal yah klo mo dibilang worth it…ini worth it banget…tp emang kynya gw perlu ditempeleng…

sudah ah…

imperfect

March 15th, 2006 by b3akins

lucu ketika skrg gw menyadari arti kata "tulus" tuh apa

klo skrg gw ngerasain apa yg uda dia lakuin buat gw

rasanya "tulus" gw tuh imperfect

gw mungkin emang bener pernah nyayangin org sampe mampus

ngalah dlm hal apapun sampe bego

tp gw rasa gw ga pernah tulus dlm ngelakuinnya

lucu ketika skrg gw harus memohon supaya dia bersabar

sedangkan dl org itu jg meminta gw bersabar

i did. tp sabar gw rasanya ga bener2 sabar

sabar gw berbatas

dan sebelum itu menyentuh batasan pun sepertinya gw jg uda ga sabar????

mengetahui segala ketulusan dia…

i hate to agree that my love was imperfect

kesiapapun itu…

dan lucu ketika gw mendengar "u’r worth it"

dan akhirnya gw kebingungan "apanya…???"

…mungkin ga ya, kamu Pandya…memberi sabarmu terus dan terus

mencintai dgn tulus…terus dan terus…

…atau itu jg akan berakhir cepat atau lambat?

clarity

March 12th, 2006 by b3akins

I worry
I weigh three times my body
I worry
I throw my fear around
But this morning
There’s a calm I can’t explain
The rock candy’s melted, only diamonds now remain

By the time I recognize this moment
This moment will be gone
But I will bend the light pretending
That it somehow lingered on

And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will pay no mind
Well it won’t and it won’t because it can’t
It just can’t
(It’s not supposed to)

Was there a second of time I looked around?
Did I sail through or drop my anchor down?
Was anything enough to kiss the ground
And say I’m here now?
And she is here now

So much wasted in the afternoon
So much sacred in the month of June
How bout you?

And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will wait to find
That it won’t and it won’t and it won’t
And I will pay no mind
Worried bout no rainy weather
And I will waste no time
Remaining in our lives together

/// John Mayer \\\

me and insecurity

March 7th, 2006 by b3akins

memasuki bulan kelima. gw dan Dhanez. dan perasaan itu selalu ada. gw selalu berharap feeling yg ga ngenakin itu disappeared, evaporated, vanished, whatsoever biar gw bisa percaya penuh sm yg namanya kata, sm yg namanya kata yg mengurai janji, sm yg namanya janji yg kadang terbuat utk tidak ditepati. sm yg namanya cinta.

memang mudah berucap. dan memang mudah menerima. tp menjalani sesuatu tanpa keyakinan dan percaya, bakalan sulit.

gw bahkan uda males ngitung berapa co yg uda pernah menjabat seorang pacar. gw uda mendengar lontaran kata : "i love u", "i love you forever", "marry me", "kita bareng terus yah…" dari berbagai intonasi suara, aksen, mulut, muka, ……dan memang cuma waktu yg bisa membuktikan itu semua.

apa yg salah? apa mungkin gw gampang bosen? dr segelintir, yg gw anggap ga serius memang gampang ngebuat gw bosen. emg krn gwnya ga niat. tp dr yg serius…yg mengkontrol adalah perasaan insecure gw. sekalinya ni rasa muncul, gw bisa jd ce yg paling menyusahkan, menyebalkan, …..dan gw tau bener akan ini.

dan gw harus akuin, sebagian besar kegagalan dtgnya ya karena ituh. gr2 ini jg gw kadang suka nyesel knp mesti ada perasaan itu? perasaan yg ga bisa mempercayai. perasaan normal. perasaan yg bisa bikin gw ngerti. sedikittt aja.

skrg, klo gw lebih sering diem, itu krn gw ga mau pd akhirnya gw hrs kehilangan lg. uda cukup rasa itu menaungi gw. huhu. tp kynya hasilnya sama aja. diem gw tuh…duh ga taw deh.

kenapa sih sm gw…… =(( seandainya gw punya mantra…huhuhu…

kangen Dhanez………………………………………..gila, gw ketuleran dia gini, sehari ga ketemu bikin puyeng…pdhal semingguan bs ketemu trs, bosen bosen deh…

bg sound : Binocular - Deep yg been played over n overrr…

segala kemungkinan buruk ituw…

March 2nd, 2006 by b3akins

keinginan terbesar seseorang terpahat rapih di kata harapan dan impian. meraih suatu harapan dan impian tuh terkadang susah, karena paling ga harapan dan impian ga cuman nyantol di otak ajah, tp juga dlm pencapaiannya harus rela n siap berusaha. dan bukannya ga memungkinkan apabila klo uda usaha jg harapan dan impian itu ga tercapai…

kita ga pernah tau rahasia Illahi. rahasia yg membawa kita d setiap detik ke penghujung ini. rahasia yg membuat kita bertanya2. apa yg akan terjadi? bagaimana? rahasia yg akan mengungkapkan apa usaha kita membuahkan hasil…?? apa kita siap dengan segala kemungkinan terburuk bahwasanya : harapan dan impian ga menjadi milik loe, at least for now…

untuk saat ini, impian terbesar gw adalah bs lulus tepat waktu. itu uda cukup. lalu gw pengen lanjutin S2 ke Taipei, in which srkg ini gw lg proses pendaftaran utk scholar dan sejenisnya. isi dokumen2, transcript n surat dr BiNus, medical check-up, test Anti-HIV……bayangkan kl dr semua ini gw gagal dlm salah satunya? bisa bingung ga taw mo ngapain d gw…

humm…alhamdulillah td amplop kuning itu uda ngebuat gw bernapas lega. super duper lega. tetep gemeteran sih, tp gemeteran yg seneng gt, boo. skrg tinggal nunggu dr BiNus n hasil dr RS trs senen ke TETO……humm…

masi calm ni gw, i think i should celebrate. imma go to Java Jazz today! yippiiee…!

suka ga suka. sialan.

February 24th, 2006 by b3akins

Ketika seseorang bisa bilang : SUKA atau TIDAK SUKA terhadap sesuatu, mereka harus melalui phase dimana orang tersebut bisa meneliti dan tau benar seluk beluk object itu. Karena ketika seseorang bisa bilang : SUKA atau TIDAK SUKA, mereka seharusnya bisa memberi alasan yg jelas KENAPA mereka SUKA atau TIDAK SUKA.

Penilaian terhadap sesuatu bisa diambil secara dalam maupun secara kasat mata. Kita ambil contoh penganalisaan SESEORANG secara dalam seperti ini : berkenalan, bertanya2, ngobrol panjang lebar, ngobrol ngalor ngidul, ngobrol ga jelas, ngobrol sambil bcanda banci, pengungkapan segala tetek bengek yg ga perlu, ini itu, banci joged, banci mulut comber, blaaahhhhhhh!! Suatu momen panjaaaaaang dimana orang bisa berinteraksi dalam jangka waktu yg cukup lama, yg bisa membuat bibir kesemutan saking semua yg diobrolkan (atau diobral??) dapat merangkum kehidupan seseorang dari bayi hingga skrg…

…sedangkan penganalisaan SESEORANG secara kasat mata contohnya ini : berkenalan (atau bisa jg tdk), ber-oooh panjang…dan ketika penganalisa tdk suka ia akan berpaling dan berkata, "HUH". Namun apabilan suka ia akan tersenyum manis dan melanjutkan obrolan (atau obralan??????).

Banyak hal dari makhluk ciptaan Allah yg katanya makhluk tersempurna di jagad raya ini yg masih membuat gw bertanya2. Hal2 moril yg seharusnya datang dr otak (paling tdk butuh kewarasan), yg cuma butuh nurani seringkali terabaikan…gw ngomong gini bukan berarti alpha dr itu semua, krn gw akui gw emang bukan orang yg waras………..

tp paling ga i dun say, "GW GA SUKA", kepada sesuatu yg bukan dalam kapasitas gw untuk menilai. Mungkin karena itu gw orangnya plin plan, ga bisa jd decision maker, cuman bisa ngasih pertimbangan…karena apa? karena di dunia ini ga ada yg absolut. Ah, ngomongnya jd ngalor ngidul…ok balik ke inti…ketika seseorang bs bilang SUKA atau TIDAK SUKA, IYA atau TIDAK, HE-EH ato OGAH, itu adalah ke-absolut-an. Ga pake mikir lg, mungkin bs jd suatu spontanitas banci!

…hummmmm…emosi membuat omongan kita melenceng, kawan…mari kita luruskan.

Intinya ya itu tadi. Penilaian terhadap sesuatu sehingga akhirnya orang bisa bilang SUKA atau TIDAK SUKA —-SEHARUSNYA—- menggunakan penganalisaan jangka panjang dan intensitas yg cukup dalam. Huhu, terkesan non-sense bukan??? Karena untuk apa melanjutkan perbincangan apabila TIDAK SUKA uda ada di otak?????????? Yah…mungkin emang itulah moril yg gw pertanyakan.

Setiap orang yg berpijak di tanah ini berhak menilai. Setiap orang yg bernafaskan udara ini berhak mengungkapkan rasa SUKA atau TIDAK SUKA. Tp sebuah pernyataan :

"Gw  ga suka mantan2nya. Gw lebih suka elo", menuntut gw untuk bertanya…EMANG MANTAN2 GW PERNAH SALAH APA SAMA ENTE sampe ngebuat loe membuat pernyataan yg absolut. And for God’s sake, ga liat ke siapa loe ngomong, (sadar ga se? co gw???) Antara otak sama nurani, beratan mana?

Emang sepertinya yg manusia butuhin sekarang adalah KETIDAK PEDULIAN terhadap sesamanya. Paling tidak, apabila hak menilai masih exist (krn emang pada dasarnya manusia memiliki itu) KEEP IT TO URSELF. Suka ga suka, apa perlu dihumbar?